My Knee Hurts: A Spiritual Spin On Pain

I was 19 when I entered active duty. I was 20 when my knee pain began, surely a result of countless shifts standing guard at the gates of the Air Force Base I was assigned to.

Concrete slabs with shelter, we stood outside them in all types of weather, in combat boots that often fit poorly. Rarely 8 hour shifts, often more, not allowed to be seen sitting, we were always on our feet.

This was a part of my job in the Air Force from 1979 to 1983. I drove patrol cars, filled in as a Desk Sergeant, managed traffic, and … most often, was on my feet, guarding the gates. Being so young meant that I had the luxury of ignoring pain because it wasn’t chronic. It got better; it eased up when I was off my feet.

Fast forward 37 years of living, and today I am facing a knee replacement. (Falling over my cat last May was the straw that broke the camel’s back.)

Chronic, unrelenting pain has the power to change the sufferer’s personality. It changed mine, until I found a few things to ease the worst of it. (Soft tissue injuries, can I get an amen?) Until my knee replacement happens I need to wear a brace day and night. If I don’t, one false move and I see stars. The pain can literally cause my knees to buckle.

That’s the physical aspect. Here’s my spiritual spin on all of it: so far, what I’ve learned is I can use this entire situation as a spiritual practice. Just like my meditation mantra, each time I wander down the path of worry about the future, about the impending suffering (short lived, but in the moment I promise post surgical pain feels as though it will never end), the “what if this or that happens”, all the minutia that goes along with planning for a major surgery … and the random fly by of “why me?”, I can choose to return to the present moment. It’s all I have. This moment. This breath. This heartbeat.

I can choose to get wrapped up in the story of why this happened, create stress, cause myself to suffer from anxiety. In those moments wrought with suffering I often forget – I have choices. I always have choices. Instead of anxiety and worry, I can choose to be free. Moment by moment. Stay present. Feel my heartbeat. Remember to breathe deeply.

Most of the time, if I ask myself what it is that I need to know in that very moment, it is this: I need to know that I am ok. If I can remember to ask myself that, and stop long enough to hear the answer, it is always … I am ok.

My knee hurts. Time to breathe.