I Forgot My “Cancer-versary”

I’ve been so busy living in the good that I’ve turned away from the bad. It’s in the past. Many people find this anniversary significant. I don’t know if I would be doing this differently if I’d had to undergo chemotherapy; my approach was a little different than most. Could it be because didn’t have to suffer that? I’ll never know.

This is my fourth year cancer free. The reminder of that day is sort of a non-event, really. It’s become a story – a painful story that has lost its charge.

January 20, 2016 was the day I faced down cancer. I was diagnosed in early November 2015, just after my return from Boulder Crest Retreat.

Even before I got the biopsy results I knew my choice was to undergo a double mastectomy. The initial shock, fear, and brief moments of doubt as I explored the terrifying options lasted for a few weeks. After I made the decision, I never wavered for a moment. To this day, I have zero regrets about that decision. It allowed me to heal more quickly. My experience has left me with lingering nerve pain; there are moments when I don’t think I can bear it. I can’t imagine how much more difficult this might have been for me, had I chosen reconstruction. One of the most interesting things about this surgery has been how liberating it has been for me. Many of the women in the groups I belong to say the same thing. No more tests, no more anxiety or dread for the upcoming appointments. I am free. I like it that way.

These days, I’m busy volunteering as a chaplain. I have an upcoming interview to be accepted into Hospice training. I picked up my meditation practice again. I’m in a class learning about different spiritual practices. I’m renewing my membership to my favorite art museum in San Francisco. Life is deliciously good today. Cancer didn’t cause a revelation or change my perspective on life. What it did do is make me more mindful of what I already knew but often forgot: life is precious and the moments are fleeting. I appreciate more of the moments today, more fully than before.

I forgot my cancer-versary and I couldn’t be happier.